Music is My Radar

I know that this is my second Van Halen-themed post in a row, but considering that I’ve been listening to them for almost 25 years (hmmm, that’s not sobering or anything), longer than the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, R.E.M., or any of my more recent musical crushes, it makes sense that there’s a backlog of Van Halen-related thoughts scurrying around my head.

This is one such idea I’ve been kicking around for some time now. I wish it was more developed than it is, but I think that simply writing and posting it will give it the sunshine it needs to grow. So, as the title implies, I’d like to initiate a dialog on the myriad ways that Sammy Hagar destroyed Van Halen.

You likely know the story. After years of mounting tensions between Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth, ol’ Diamond Dave packed up his schmaltz and trouser snake and hit the road solo. The brothers Van Halen began searching for a new singer, initially approaching Patti Smyth of Scandal fame. (That doesn’t have disaster written all over it, does it? Noooooo.) I can just the voice that brought us “The Warrior” - a wonderful and majestic 80s rock anthem if there ever was one - singing

“Here I am, ain’t no man of the world, no
All I need is a beautiful girl
Ah yeah, beautiful girls.”

from “Beautiful Girls,” Van Halen II

Or maybe it’s just me. Anyway, the boys soon settled on Sammy Hagar, former singer of the 70s rock band Montrose and successful solo artist in his own right, as the replacement for Roth.

Admittedly, Hagar had some big shoes to fill. Dave’s game-show-host personality was one of the defining characteristics of Van Halen’s image, and inevitably when a force of nature like Roth leaves, a vacuum will result. Had Hagar simply tried to be the next Dave, he would have bombed instantly. So, props to him for sticking with what he knew.

But the band changed. Maybe it changed along with the scene, as it became apparent that snorting mounds of cocaine on a daily basis was not sustainable in the long run. Maybe the inevitable effects of aging were softening the party image the band had so masterfully cultivated. (Then again, that was mostly Dave.) And certainly, as the 80s gave way to the 90s, many bands became more “socially conscious,” whatever that means.

But there is the excusable and there is the unforgivable. So here’s a sampling of lyrics from Dave’s time in Van Halen, contrasted with lyrics from Sammy Hagar. I’ll let you be the judge.

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First, a little back-story. I am slavishly devoted to Pitchfork, the beloved and reviled online music magazine. Despite what people say about it, I check the site many times a day, and while I don’t always agree with their reviews, the snarky hipsters behind Pitchfork are an invaluable source of music news, especially upcoming releases and tour information.

One day I was reading this review and decided to google the artist, and eventually landed on his myspace page. After listening to a few songs - not bad stuff, really - I saw this link on his page and decided to check it out.

At first I was enthralled - yet another attempt by the Christian right to demonize popular music. As I read over the list, I was delighted - Kansas? Motorhead? Lil’ Wayne? They’re gay bands? Sure, some bands deserved to be pilloried, but this was obviously the same shotgun blast method of cultural criticism the right engages with luxurious frequency. If we don’t like it, it is of the devil. Good on you, mates.

Then I saw this video, and I realized it was all a big joke. Damn. How disappointing. I was really, really excited that the same sort of anti-rock propaganda I remember from my childhood was still alive and kicking. And how effective it was. After all, thanks to the PMRC, devil-sex music ceased to be after the 1980s, right? (And what better way to make something appealing to young people than to label it dangerous. Idiots.)

But it did make me harken back to my childhood and recall with fondness one name in particular. This person probably did more than anyone else to make my adolescent musical experience miserable, and is the subject of this post. That’s right … I’m talking about Jacob Aranza.

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