Music is My Radar

It’s a sad day for Memphis music.

This is without a doubt the most metal thing on the face of the Earth.

Seriously, the guy who brought you Dracula and The Mummy and motherfucking SARUMAN!! now brings you …

A symphonic metal album about the life of Charlemagne, that famous French dude.  You know.

Let there be rock.

I just got mine in the mail … so excited!!!

Hi everyone.  I’ll save my apologies for being such a delinquent blogger for a later post (read: NEVER!).

Despite my utter lack of blogging productivity here at MIMR, I have as always been consumed daily with thoughts about music and songs and albums and songwriting and all of that.  I’ll try to work through my back-log of ideas in the coming weeks AND resolve to be a more productive blogger in the coming new year.  Ahem.

That said, I’ve had idea for a blog post, which I will now address, percolating in my tiny little mind for years now.  In fact, the genesis of this post can be traced all the way to the fall of 1988, when I was but a junior in high school, years before the internet was even invented.  (NOTE: I know that last statement was utterly untrue.  Please spare me your comments to that effect.)

It was in October of 1988 that a certain song first hit the airwaves, a song that soon dominated all forms of life on Earth for months to come.  And it is that song that is the germ of my gist.  As the title of this blog entry cleverly reveals, the topic at hand is what I like to call Thesaurus Songs.

First, we must define what is a Thesaurus Song.  The rules are very simple: the song must prominently feature a word in its title AND its chorus.  The word must be of sufficient length and rarity as to lead the listener to the inevitable (and indisputable) conclusion that the lyricist discovered the word in a moment of writer’s block as s/he was perusing a thesaurus, looking for lyrical inspiration.  Also, there needs to be some degree of awkwardness, if not a high degree, to the placement and use of the word.  Something that makes you roll your eyes and say, “Yeah, SOMEONE just learned a new word today.”  But the song title need not be excessively long or silly.  In fact, it must contain the word in question and not much else.

You get the idea.  So without further adieu, here is my list of the four most egregious examples of Thesaurus Songs, in increasing order of their crimes against Roget.

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My friends know how much I hate all things “earnest.”  The overwrought emotions, lack of self-awareness, hamfisted life-lessons - makes me gag.  And then there’s this.

(Well, so much for embedding the video.  Apparently youtube has that turned off.  Jerks.  Anyway, here’s the link.)

First, I must say “Damn you fearlessvk” for posting this video in the first place.  I admit, I got teary-eyed watching it.  And while it technically doesn’t qualify as “earnest,” it would be bad enough, were it not so awesome.

Enjoy.

Before going further, please watch the video below.  The group is Mastodon, the song is “Divinations.”

Mastodon - Divinations

Now, here is why that is the most metal video of all time.

1. It contains the bare bones of a narrative involving climbing dangerous snowy mountains and discovering the remnants of an ancient blood-sacrifice culture.  And what is more metal than blood sacrifice?  Not much.
2. Once atop the mountain, the band discovers the frozen body of a caveman, who they reanimate using a Gibson Flying-V guitar.  Seriously.  Lightening bolts shooting from a guitar and bringing to life a 10,000-year-old caveman?  Very fucking metal.
3. And what is the first thing the unfrozen caveman does once he is awakened?  He launches into a fucking shredder guitar solo.  Seriously.  If I was frozen for 10,000 years, the first thing I would want to do upon awakening is kick some metal ass.
4. After shredding for a few, the now unfrozen caveman uses said guitar to slaughter, then CANNIBALIZE, the band members.  Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, is more metal than cannibalization.
5. Is that a banjo at the beginning of the song?  Who cares?!  Even more metal!
6. Three words: Abominable fucking snowman.  

I don’t know about you people, but I’m buying some Mastodon CDs the first chance I get.  And, using a Flying-V to vanquish whatever foes I might have.  Before I GNAW ON THEIR FEMURS!!!

Ahem.

Lately I’ve become a pretty big fan of the Onion AV Club, the satirical newspaper’s repository for books, movies, music, interviews, and the like.  If nothing else, it’s where I get my weekly dose of Dan Savage, the best advice columnist working today, for my money.  (Sorry Cary Tennis.)

Anyway, I especially like the Inventory section, wherein the AV Club writers come up with some pretty interesting lists, like this one, or this one, or this one.  And this week has an especially interesting list.

What I like about their list is how few of those albums I own or would have included on such a list of my own.  (In all fairness, I did think of this topic some time ago.)  Makes me want to buy some records.

This guy is awesome.

Billy Corgan can eat a dick.

Now that the only other remaining original member has quit the quasi-reunited Smashing Pumpkins, Master Corgan confirms what we knew all along: he = Smashing Pumpkins.  There is no difference, no separation, no boundaries between the two.  It’s kind of like Sauron and the One Ring - you destroy one, you destroy the other.

You might be wondering what brings on this sudden anti-Corgan sentiment.  Well, it’s been brewing for some time.  Despite the fact that I was/am something of a SP fan (sorry, boxmonster), there were certain aspects of the band that I never really liked.  Mostly, the “rat in a cage” lyrics and nasal vocals of the group’s singer and songwriter, ol’ Billy.  I was able to overlook them due largely to the wonderfully over-the-top guitars and thunderous drums of the newly-departed Jimmy Chamberlin.  That guy has my vote as one of the top rock drummers performing today.  Serious badass.

Anyway, after various member’s departures, break-ups, reunions under another name, and general dicking around, I lost interest in SP years ago.  Sure, I still crank “Geek USA” or “Jellybelly” on the iPod every now and then (I am right now, actually), but that’s really about it.  And until just recently, I was content to just ignore whatever else the group and its former members did.

Until this.

And this.

And this.

And this.

So yep.  Eat a dick, Billy Corgan.  You certainly seem to be working up an appetite of late.

My beloved Memphis was quite a pleasant place to be this Friday morning and early afternoon. The sun was shining, there was a nice breeze, even the temperature was playing along: a wonderfully out-of-season 60 degrees. I was driving to Home Depot to buy materials for my soon-to-be-started garden and listening to the Shins (Chutes Too Narrow, FYI), and you know, the moment did not entirely suck. In fact, it did not suck at all.

Then I started thinking about that moment in Garden State when Natalie Portman hands her over-sized headphones to Zach Braff and tells him to listen to the Shins, because “they will change your life.”  And I got to thinking that Zach Braff is a real big douchebag, because he wrote that film. OK sure, he was funny in Scrubs, but that’s all I can do for him.  Because every time I listen to the Shins, whom I like, I think of that movie, which I did not like.

Douche.